you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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