it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
