there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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