you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
