can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
