Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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