I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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