FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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