Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
