yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
