weddingsv make me drug and hornr
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
