Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize