my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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