Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
