DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I could make wine with my vomit
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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