you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
