Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Vodka?
Forever.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
