after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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