Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The air was thick with penises
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
