I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
