dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
