DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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