I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
how drunk are you?
Several
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize