Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
