Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
