Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
