True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
