My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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