im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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