Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
