I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
