i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
