why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
