my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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