I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
