Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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