No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
