I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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