i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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