He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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