Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
