I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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