I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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