can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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