that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
