I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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