at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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