that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize