Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
