I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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