I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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