the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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