Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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