Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
