just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
