Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
