I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
