Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
