someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
A+ Viking dick
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