Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
