Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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